I’m a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man for the millennium.
A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I’m new-wave, but I’m old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound.
I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated and bio-degradable.
I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time I’m radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin’ the wave, dodgin’ the bullet, pushin’ the envelope.
I’m on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.
I’ve got no need for coke and speed; I’ve got no urge to binge and purge.
I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.
I’m a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; out of rehab and in denial.
I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.
You can’t shut me up; you can’t dumb me down. ‘Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless. I’m an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
I’m a non-believer, I’m an over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low-rent, high-maintenance.
I’m super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last.
A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.
But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver.
My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.
I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.
I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the F-word in my e-mail. And the software on my hard drive is hard-core—no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-formulated medical miracle.
I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed.
And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I’ve got glide in my stride.
Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’; jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and winnin’.
I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.
I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt; and I’m hangin’ tough.
“There are people starving in the world and I drive an Infiniti. That’s really evil. There are people who just starve to death–that’s all they ever did. There’s people who are born and go like ‘aw, I’m hungry,’ then they just die.”
Stand-up comedian Matt Ruby answers why fellow stand-up comic Louis CK is viewed as the best by many peers. Ruby shares Louis CK’s inspiring approach, including a relentless performance schedule, ongoing material review & refinement, and over 60 minutes of new material per year.
Bill Burr expounds on why humans need to be regulated like deer.
“You just made 30 people who are all taking a shit every day that ends up in a river. That’s not a family photo, that’s an environmental disaster and you framed it!”
“Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in dollars, like a hurricane. Girls, like, leave scars in your psyche that you find later.”
“That’s the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women, really. Because a man will, like, steal your car, or burn your house down, or beat the shit outta you, but a woman will ruin your fucking life. Do you see the difference?”
“Women are nonviolent, but they will shit inside of your heart.”
“There’s no physical ramifications for being an asshole if you’re a woman. You know how much of a dick I would be if it was socially unacceptable to kick the shit out of me?”
